First, I tried coffee. Of course! Surely, I’m just tired. ‘I’ll have a large one. Black. Thanks.’ At least I would be awake for the foreseeable. I had been meeting new people (my favourite activity) at a mindset and self-development summit (my favourite subject) for the last two days. But alas, coffee just made me more aware of a pervading sense of ‘meh’.
Despite the opportunity to be present at a prestigious, exclusive annual event packed with mindset experts, brilliant talks and 300 guests I was keen to meet, I was looking for the exit. And I couldn’t put my finger on why. There’s that scene in Bridget Jones when she meets Salman Rushdie and all she can think to ask him is where the loos are. That was me now. Every interaction I was having fizzled out almost immediately, the lack of connection palpable. Moving on would just repeat the cycle, adding in my arch nemesis, small talk. Worse, everyone else seemed to be enjoying it...am I the issue? Perhaps it was time to have a stiff word with myself. ‘Now come on Hels.
This is your thing! Just because the first few (ok two full days of) conversations weren’t great, doesn’t mean the next one won’t be thrilling and memorable. Be patient, the clicks of connection are coming.’
But they didn’t. Onwards into another disjointed, aimless back-and-forth. This time I felt like we couldn’t even hear each other. Like we kept having to repeat ourselves even though there was no loud music playing. Another coffee. Now jittery and starting to read far too deeply into things, I tried forcing myself to reframe the entire event. ‘Even though I should feel totally in my element here and with these people, I am having mixed feelings and perhaps I can accept that.’ Surely if I simply alter my expectations, I can ensure a more positive experience.
Nope, that didn’t work either. As I prepared to leave another conversation mid-point I had only one thought in my mind. I finally understand introverts! But then it clicked. Not the conversation, unfortunately. The truth. Despite all appearances, these were just not ‘my people.’ I had travelled over 2,000 miles to an event all about making connections and building deeper relationships (the irony!), heard some brilliant speakers and saw some amazing sights, but the only person I felt at home with was little old me. My ‘tribe’ were nowhere to be found. And sad to say, I just felt really alone.
